The Next Godsquad Storm

For chrissakes. Look, I thought "so be it" was the English translation of "amen."

Well, that's what I'm going to tell everyone when they start asking about it, because of this goddamned column.

The Downside of Campaigning

The princesses carved out of butter are just symptoms of the deeper problem: America is a vast country with lots of lots of really boring places. And now I have to go to yet another one of them.

Don't Hold Your Breath

New Gingrich is like George Will -- the kid who always got pantsed and shortsheeted and wedgied. Only Newt was also the fat kid who read science fiction books but wasn't one of the smart kids even though he desperately wanted to believe he was.

Now that piggy SOB is thinking he might actually try to run for president.

Fat chance, fatty. You come off as arrogant -- you would be like the Republican Al Gore.

America knows that something is very, very wrong and wants to believe that there's a big ol' daddy figure who can chase away the monsters and then kiss them and make it better. None of those other losers in this race can fit that bill, and Newt Gingrich certainly can't.

"Big ideas"? America wants big image. Big Daddy's gonna give that in spades.

Jesus Loves Me, This I Know...

... 'cause the evangelicals tell me so. After Dobson's ding, it sure has been nice to get some of the other evangelicals to drown him out, like Gary Bauer and James Land. They know what's what -- that if they want any chance of having any of their nutso ideas put into law, they're going to have get a GOP candidate who can actually beat Hillary.

Oh, Dobson. God is smiling on you but he's frowning, too, 'cause only God knows what you'll be stupid enough to do.

We Are So Screwed

I try to forget what a bunch of stinking dumbasses that whole Bush administration is. Put on my laconic grin, pretend everything is OK, blame our problems on Clinton. Make people think it's still safe to vote Republican, because not everything is Dubya's fault.

But I don't think I can maintain that charade anymore.

Goddamned holy fucking shit from the fucking mother of Jesus fucking H. Christ.

We're Trying Out "Edgy"

We were thinking it was time for more buzz. Obama had Obama Girl, so we figured why not something that would really get folks talking -- some kind of online musical video, but with some edge that would make it a conversation piece.

We kept it looking "grassroots," with the poor film quality and the bad lip syncing. We wanted to experiment with some sort of appeal to the Log Cabin types but also keep it looking as disconnected as possible from our official campaign.

Not just the gay thing, but the supposedly critical angle -- it looks like critics of us, but their criticism is so subtle you just miss it. All you hear is "My johnson is for Thompson." Tra la la. Unless you listen very, very closely.

I have to say, we do great work. I can't wait to move into the White House.

Update: Well, maybe not. We do have standards.

Well, Ain't That Some Shit

If anyone ever doubted that Jeri is an asset to this campaign and not a liability, I defy him to check out this graphic from the New York Post.

The best thing is that the Post chooses to pit Big Daddy's campaign against Hillary's instead of keeping us down in the heap with the other GOP candidates. It's a subtle way of sending the signal that we are the GOP frontrunner and that we are already in a race against Hillary. In terms of perception management, lemme tell you, that's a gift.

Control the Message

Managing the public's perception of a candidate is pretty simple when you're able to manage the forum you're in. That's why we just love local news. They give you more puff than a French bakery. More softballs than a lesbian barbecue.

Note how, at the end of this really nice local TV station interview, they focus on me and Hillary. Why? Because we're the leaders. The top of the heap. Take a suck on some of that, George Will.

Texas Was Made for Republicans

Oh, yes. Texas is like home. They totally understand our message: I'm for America.

(What the hell does that mean? Image is the message; the message is image. That's how we're going to win this thing.)

God bless you, Texas. Now if every state with a lot of electoral college votes could be more like you....

Dobson, You Judas

Well now, this just doesn't make any sense at all. Now why in the hell wouldn't James Dobson endorse me?

Sure, I have a little lack-of-credentials problem on the religion front, and I'm a little wishy-washy on the gay marriage question, plus I may have done some representation for a pro-abortion group (which apparently matters a hell of a lot more to some churchy types than the fact that I represented an evil murderer).

But the evangelical types need to realize that if they want a real Bible thumper as president, they're going to have to reelect Jimmy Carter. They takes their chances when they plays their chips with the GOP. Our only church is Wall Street.

Catchphrases 'r' Us

"Commonsense conservative." Expect to hear more of that from us. The name of the game is perception management, and we have poll-tested the phrase and found that it reinforces the public's image of Big Daddy as a folksy smalltown redblooded American man. (And makes them not think of me as a DC insider and well-heeled lobbyist-lawyer.)

Get Me Some Real Endorsements Already

Goddammit, when I said we needed some journalistic endorsements, I wasn't talking about Male Nurse Magazine. Are you people high? No, seriously, are you high? Because I'd swear you were a bunch of potsmoking Democrats if you think this is going to do the trick. My nutsack has more commonsense.

Now get out there and get me some real endorsements before I have to tell Jeri that it's time to fire some more campaign staff.

Jeri to Perform (Not on Stripper Pole)

We're pretty excited about Jeri's upcoming debut in a California panel of the wives of the presidential candidates. We know she'll walk away with the prize for perkiest titties.

I'm just so proud of my hot wife that I can hardly stand it.

Once we finally have her front and center, America is going to fall in love with her. They haven't had a hot piece of tail in the East Wing since Jackie Kennedy.

I Heart Local News

Now this is campaign coverage. Expect to see us doing a lot more local news. I mean, this is just great. It's the perfect way to get your face on folks' TV screens and answer the right kind of questions to get the right kind of message out.

Still the Picture of Health

I don't know how anyone could question my health or fitness for office. Just look at my latest video. Hell, just look at the first frame you see below. How could anyone be concerned about cancer when I look that good?

Preserving the War in Iraq

You know, it's pretty simple -- we have to maintain our invasion of Iraq. We need an ongoing reason to fund our major corporate friends. We need the crucial location for our upcoming invasion of Iran. We have a lot of unfinished business there. And we have to periodically pick up some crappy little country and throw it against the wall just to show the world who's boss -- something we will fail at if we leave without having really proven that we are the world's boss.

Oh, and democracy and peace and stuff like that.

So, thank god the American people don't have the foggiest idea what's actually happening in Iraq. Like the real deal on our poster boy, Gen. Petraeus. Or the news that the alliance that leads what passes for a national legislature has just fallen apart -- oops.

Stop Reading the So-Called 'Experts' Already

The political press insists on forcing the facts to fit the story it wants to tell -- and if they don't like the facts, they'll just toss them aside.

Nobody knows this better than Big Daddy. Newsweek is going on and on about my "slow start," and George Will and Robert Novak both are telling everyone I've already crashed and burned.

Meanwhile, I had surged into number one according to the Rasmussen poll of likely GOP primary voters, who also rate me most conservative.

I honestly don't know why anyone pays any attention to those numb nuts in the political press. What's really going on here? They have complete contempt for what the people are really thinking, and they're too lazy to find out anything other than the conventional wisdom they share in all the insider cocktail parties.

(And I know all about what goes on in those insider cocktail parties first hand.)

I Take the Tough Stands

The NY Times is right: I do take risks with the stands I take on the issues. Check it out: defending the right to bear arms. Supporting the idea of drilling in the Gulf. Not taking a stand on the Terri Schiavo case two years after it happened. I'm the maverick, the risk-taker of the Republican field. And telling the GOP base that I'm for reform of the entitlements -- well, that's the very definition of ballsy.

Some Folks Just Don't Get It

So, watch this from Fucker Carlson's show. That little punk and his dumbass guest are debating how my super-successful campaign is somehow a failure.



And Carlson actually thinks the best campaigns are animated by a central idea. As if. John Edwards has an idea and he can't break out of the number three slot. Truth is, the American people don't care about ideas; they want image.

And that's Big Daddy's specialty.

So Did I Dive or Belly-Flop?

Poor George Will. It's so hard for him, and all the folks like him who used to be the kids who got pantsed and short-sheeted by the cooler kids, who grew up to be folks like me.

So Will is pronouncing that my dive into the pool was just a belly-flop. But it turns out that I'm making a splash: decimating Giuliani's lead nationally, ranking at the top for the conservative base, and running #1 in some states.

Suck that, George Will. Even with cancer, I am the GOP stud.