Preserving the War in Iraq

You know, it's pretty simple -- we have to maintain our invasion of Iraq. We need an ongoing reason to fund our major corporate friends. We need the crucial location for our upcoming invasion of Iran. We have a lot of unfinished business there. And we have to periodically pick up some crappy little country and throw it against the wall just to show the world who's boss -- something we will fail at if we leave without having really proven that we are the world's boss.

Oh, and democracy and peace and stuff like that.

So, thank god the American people don't have the foggiest idea what's actually happening in Iraq. Like the real deal on our poster boy, Gen. Petraeus. Or the news that the alliance that leads what passes for a national legislature has just fallen apart -- oops.

Want to Know Why I'm Going to Be Your Next President?

Just check out what happened yesterday during the Gen. Petraeus lovefest in Congress. It's as easy to see as the hotness of my wife that the man was there to propagandize and mislead the public about the so-called effectiveness of the escalation (which has successfully been renamed "the surge"), but the Pussycrats just asked for more.

Don't think for a moment that I am criticizing them. Hell, I love it. It's a clear sign that they will never stand up to the most fucked-up thing this president has done. And if they can't stand up to that, they will never mount a real case for a Democrat being president.

Jeri, honey, why don't you hum "Hail to the Chief" to me tonight?

Some Furriner Blaming Rummy for Failure

OK, so some British general is blaming Rumsfeld for fucking up Iraq, even going so far as to call him "intellectually bankrupt." You know what? I'm glad to see this.

Sure, maybe the last thing we need is more criticism of how the Bush administration incompetently handled Iraq. But it's good to see this guy is doing just what we wanted: speaking now, now that it's too late, instead of speaking back then when he could have actually changed the situation.

As long as everybody plays by that playbook, we'll be invading Iran before next spring! Rebel yell to that.

This Also Doesn't Help

Folks, I'm a God-fearing man. Which means I have to ask: is God taking revenge on the Republican Party for taking his name in vain for political purposes for so many years?

If it ain't all the scandals from Delay to Foley to Larry Craig to Hurricane Katrina to you-name-it, it's the miserable news coming out of Iraq.

Did we really need a GAO report that's so pessimistic? I mean, sure, it's all true, but couldn't they at least paint a bright glossy glaze on top of it? Dayum.

You know, if we don't get some more manufactured optimism out there, and I mean quick, it's going to be hard for us to move ahead with plans to use Iraq as a base to bomb Iran.

Why Is This Front-Page News?

So the Washington Post is reporting breathlessly on its front page that Bush wants $50 billion more for Iraq.

So?

Listen, we're not going to be able to hold the fort in Iraq and invade Iran if we don't start now to build up the extra funds. I don't know what the story here is.

How to Get Away With Saying Nothing, Lesson #2

We spent some time trying to craft just the right way to take a pass on saying anything firm about what I would do as president. First, we tried to get away with just saying that we want to do "lots of things," but that only gets you so far, especially once they start asking pointed questions. We've been mastering lots of ways to speak out of both sides on my mouth on specific issues, like Iraq, but the problem remained that I needed a pat line to use whenever someone asks about a specific issue that I don't already have something prepared for.

So -- what we're saying now is, "It is presumptuous to say exactly what you would do when you’re not President and you don’t have access to all the information he has." Isn't that great? It works for every issue under the sun, and it gives me time to take a minute and think of more stuff to say to pad out the "answer."

Gotta Hand It to Dubya

He really does take the title of Leader of the Free World seriously. Now he's rewriting history: saying the lesson of Vietnam is that we can't just pull out when we recognize the war is a failure.

Them's some big, big balls. My hats off to the man.

We Finally Have an Answer on Iraq

At long last, we have developed a strategy on Iraq: blame the Democrats.

Sure, we could blame the ineptitude of the Bush administration for failing to keep up with the Clinton administration's intense focus on anti-terrorism until 9/11 happened, or for falling down on the job on intelligence in the days before 9/11, or for using 9/11 as an excuse to go after Iraq even though we all knew it would be an impossible task to keep Iraq together after taking out Saddam, but we have found the way to shift the blame to the Democrats for the current problems. We just tried it out in our VFW speech:

Our country was not prepared for our current situation. We took a holiday from history in the 90’s. We cut our military, our procurement and our research and development. Now our military is stretched too thin. We are wearing out our equipment. Our intelligence capabilities are inadequate.

To reverse this situation we must reassess our national priorities and face the truth about what it will take to defend this country.

See? The problem isn't that we committed to a long-term military occupation that we failed to plan for. It's that Democrats cut our military. Genius!

Sure, Republicans were in charge of Congress that whole time, but I'm pretty sure the people will forget all about that and just blame Bill Clinton. And that will rub off on Hillary.

Surging Incompetence

OK, so this guy is complaining that the surge actually isn't working, according to simple math, and that the whole thing has been "[a]ided and abetted by a whorish class of inbred media cringers."

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Folks, we can't be going around calling the media a "whorish class of inbred[s]." That's what they are, sure, but that's what we need them to be. Folks like me couldn't make a name for ourselves or ever get anything done if they ever stopped being cocksuckers on their knees just dying to service the Washington power elite.

My God, the Democrats Are Dumber than a Pile of Toe Nail Clippings

The Democrats sure are making it easy for me to take the White House. Just listen to what their Whip says: if General Petraeus issues a really positive report on Iraq, the Democrats will fall apart on the war.

Now isn't that just about the dumbest thing you've ever heard?

Of course Petraeus is going to put out a positive report. It's Bush's war... he has to put out a positive report.

And the aftermath means that Democrats are going to continue to be weak on the issue that gave them back control of the Congress.

Which means -- the public will continue to have low opinions of the Democrats in Congress. And that means that whichever one is the presidential nominee -- Hillary or Obama -- it doesn't matter, either way they're going to come into the race with that taint.

And Big Daddy is going to be the one person in the race who had nothing to do with that incompetent in the White House or the lame Congress that can't get its act together.

"A vote for me is a vote for change." Lord, I crack myself up. But that's the kind of bullshit that's going to be my ticket to the White House.

Well, This Isn't Good News

As the Pussycrats bask in the afterglow of their YouTube debate circle jerk, I just got handed some bad news from my staff: a Washington Post piece about a poll holding that "[m]ost Americans see President Bush as intransigent on Iraq and prefer that the Democratic-controlled Congress make decisions over a possible withdrawal of U.S. forces."

Now that's just not good news. We've been banking on the public's low approval ratings of the Democrat-controlled Congress as a sign that we still have a clear shot at the White House. But this makes me fear you've got a lot of folks out there with a clear preference of Democrats over Republicans when it comes to the war. I don't want to see a spillover effect of that on the presidential race.

I'm So Good at This

My speech in London went off effortlessly. Did you like how I handled the Iraq question? "I don't know of a Plan B. .. But I do know that the political window is closing. How rapidly? I'm not sure." I came up with that myself. It's the perfect way to say something that everyone can take to mean whatever they want. Want out of Iraq? The first part is for you. Want to stay? That last part is a little wink in your direction.

God I'm good.

Feels Like Old Times

Doesn't it seem like the 80s all over again? And a little bit of the 70s thrown in, with oil prices. I was reading today about another American being held in Iran, and it made me think about the Iranian hostage crisis. With the TV news counting, every day, the number of days the hostages had been held, it was like a free ad for Reagan every time.

I can work with that. Bush has that exaggerated stance of the guy with a teeny weenie who's trying to look like the big man. I, on the other hand, have the natural, confident swagger that says, "I have a big big dick, but I don't have to say it out loud." Basic message: I'm the man who can get those hostages out. The minute I'm elected, all those crazies will cave right in, just because they're scared shitless of me.

(Note to self: maybe we can sell them some arms to protect themselves from chaos in Iraq spilling over. That worked so well the last time.)

See, that's what America wants. They don't want a president they can have a beer with. They want a real man. Just like the kind I play in the movies.