The Next Godsquad Storm

For chrissakes. Look, I thought "so be it" was the English translation of "amen."

Well, that's what I'm going to tell everyone when they start asking about it, because of this goddamned column.

Jesus Loves Me, This I Know...

... 'cause the evangelicals tell me so. After Dobson's ding, it sure has been nice to get some of the other evangelicals to drown him out, like Gary Bauer and James Land. They know what's what -- that if they want any chance of having any of their nutso ideas put into law, they're going to have get a GOP candidate who can actually beat Hillary.

Oh, Dobson. God is smiling on you but he's frowning, too, 'cause only God knows what you'll be stupid enough to do.

Dobson, You Judas

Well now, this just doesn't make any sense at all. Now why in the hell wouldn't James Dobson endorse me?

Sure, I have a little lack-of-credentials problem on the religion front, and I'm a little wishy-washy on the gay marriage question, plus I may have done some representation for a pro-abortion group (which apparently matters a hell of a lot more to some churchy types than the fact that I represented an evil murderer).

But the evangelical types need to realize that if they want a real Bible thumper as president, they're going to have to reelect Jimmy Carter. They takes their chances when they plays their chips with the GOP. Our only church is Wall Street.

Oh, Good God

The Jesus freaks sure are hard to please. But I have to say, waiting to come into the race officially has paid off: all the other assmonkeys have either disappointed the God squad or failed to become serious candidates.

Meanwhile, at least that article shows that my strategy is paying off: Richard Land, one of the leading Holy Rollers, balanced my half-in, half-out position on a gay marriage amendment by noting that I am super-committed to federalism, so I just couldn't come out in full support of a nationwide ban on gay marriage. The way we've been crafting it, "federalism" is my all-purpose get-out-of-having-a-full-position-free card. Expect to see it soon in a number of other issues.

We Need a Religion Angle

Note to self: have someone dig up some way to get me in that godawful On Faith series they've got on the Washington Post's website. It's a real waste of ones and zeroes, but they've got some mewling bullshit about Condi Rice on it, and I figure it can only help me with the far-right religious nutcases to have someone feature me.

They have a piece about Condi being influenced by Jeremiah; I think we need to go that one step higher: how Moses influenced Fred Thompson.

And that'll do double-duty -- we can shop it to them Jew types to scrounge up a vote or two. LeChaim!

Suck That, LA Times!

So, this morning, while I had to lie back in bed and let my bones creak into position so I could actually sit up, I had some time to reflect on our strategy so far.

I do pretty much everything I can to say as little as possible of substance, so I figure my record and my Southern accent pretty much say all I can afford to say to conservatives while I try to court the other sectors of the party.

So I'm really happy to see that it's a strategy that's paying off -- one of those religious nuts has christened me the Southern-fried Reagan, and basically all the news leaking out that I may not be a red-to-the-bone ultraconservative is just rolling away like your last penny into the gutter.

What's slicker than Teflon? Big Daddy, baby -- hell yeah!

Dubya Has Such Great Instincts

He really does. His veto of a stem cell research funding bill is just the thing to get our faith-based voters excited about us again.

Perfect timing, too -- there's nothing else going on that's really worth his time, so the veto will get all the press time it needs to give me a nice bump in support, as the pro-life crazies come out of their holes and realize it's safe to trust a politician again.

Oh, for God's Sake

Jesus Fucking H. Christ. Someone on my staff came to tell me we had a false alarm: the $100 wager for proof that I ever got serious about anything in the Church of Christ was actually an online joke.

Christ almighty, a lot of us just fell right for it and took it seriously. Because god knows that's how them holy rollers can get some times. It was a joke just a little too close to reality.

And as all us candidates head out there to break bread with them and try to get them on our side, most of us sure are afraid a little bit inside that we'll end up with a situation like that on our hands.

Nuts. Something Is Broken.

Someone on my staff just handed me a Gallup poll about the very large numbers of people who do not believe in evolution. And even I can see something's broken here.

Not that so many people reject evolution: that kind of widespread stupidity has been part of our agenda for decades. As the Democrats got in with workers and got behind the environment, health and safety, children and families, and all that other stuff, we saw pretty clearly that we were going to have to invest in making sure as many people as possible were as dumb as possible in order to regain our foothold. The Republican Revolution in the 90s was our ultimate payoff.

But now it seems clear that the dumbest among us aren't exclusively lining up behind the Republican Party. There are large numbers of Democrats and Independents who also don't believe in evolution. Disturbingly large.

If we don't have a lock on the dumb, then I'm not sure any more what chance the Republican Party has of regaining the upper hand in American politics. Politics gets more difficult every single day.

Am I Faithful Servant of God? Damn Straight.

So there's this loony out there who is trying to be like Larry Flynt, but cheaper and with less appeal to a broad audience of horny men: some religious nut who is offering $100 for proof that I'm an active member of the Church of Christ.

And this is coming on the heels of that pseduo-religious political hack James Dobson questioning my faith -- which is his way of questioning whether the religious conservative grassroots should back me, but doing it supposedly in the name of the Lord.

And I have one simple answer: Jeri. This stone cold fox is actually my wife. That's all the proof I need that there is a God in Heaven.

And she takes me to Heaven every single night, Dobson. Sex: look into it. It might make you less uptight.