Preserving the War in Iraq

You know, it's pretty simple -- we have to maintain our invasion of Iraq. We need an ongoing reason to fund our major corporate friends. We need the crucial location for our upcoming invasion of Iran. We have a lot of unfinished business there. And we have to periodically pick up some crappy little country and throw it against the wall just to show the world who's boss -- something we will fail at if we leave without having really proven that we are the world's boss.

Oh, and democracy and peace and stuff like that.

So, thank god the American people don't have the foggiest idea what's actually happening in Iraq. Like the real deal on our poster boy, Gen. Petraeus. Or the news that the alliance that leads what passes for a national legislature has just fallen apart -- oops.

With a Whimper

Live blogging the debates:

NOW they're talking about something real: a "hypothetical" situation about taking action against Iran.

Wait, did McCain just promise to sell arms to Iran in exchange for hostages? What did I just hear?

Is that it?

Some Furriner Blaming Rummy for Failure

OK, so some British general is blaming Rumsfeld for fucking up Iraq, even going so far as to call him "intellectually bankrupt." You know what? I'm glad to see this.

Sure, maybe the last thing we need is more criticism of how the Bush administration incompetently handled Iraq. But it's good to see this guy is doing just what we wanted: speaking now, now that it's too late, instead of speaking back then when he could have actually changed the situation.

As long as everybody plays by that playbook, we'll be invading Iran before next spring! Rebel yell to that.

This Also Doesn't Help

Folks, I'm a God-fearing man. Which means I have to ask: is God taking revenge on the Republican Party for taking his name in vain for political purposes for so many years?

If it ain't all the scandals from Delay to Foley to Larry Craig to Hurricane Katrina to you-name-it, it's the miserable news coming out of Iraq.

Did we really need a GAO report that's so pessimistic? I mean, sure, it's all true, but couldn't they at least paint a bright glossy glaze on top of it? Dayum.

You know, if we don't get some more manufactured optimism out there, and I mean quick, it's going to be hard for us to move ahead with plans to use Iraq as a base to bomb Iran.

Why Is This Front-Page News?

So the Washington Post is reporting breathlessly on its front page that Bush wants $50 billion more for Iraq.

So?

Listen, we're not going to be able to hold the fort in Iraq and invade Iran if we don't start now to build up the extra funds. I don't know what the story here is.

I've Got Enough Sand in My Ass Right Now, Dubya

Oh lord. Now, I'm doing the best I can not to say anything outright on Iraq, and I think I'm pretty well holding it all together, but the idea that this dumbass in the White House might drag us into Iran -- I just don't know if it would be worth it to become president if I'll have to clean up that pile of dog mess on top of the cow turds he's already dropped all over the Oval Office carpet.

I want to sail into the White House and, frankly, I don't really want to do lots of things once I'm there -- I'd like to do as little as possible, thank you very much. If they send this country into Iran before I get crowned, well that would be like leaving the john without flushing even though you know there's a line of people waiting to use it after you.

Feels Like Old Times

Doesn't it seem like the 80s all over again? And a little bit of the 70s thrown in, with oil prices. I was reading today about another American being held in Iran, and it made me think about the Iranian hostage crisis. With the TV news counting, every day, the number of days the hostages had been held, it was like a free ad for Reagan every time.

I can work with that. Bush has that exaggerated stance of the guy with a teeny weenie who's trying to look like the big man. I, on the other hand, have the natural, confident swagger that says, "I have a big big dick, but I don't have to say it out loud." Basic message: I'm the man who can get those hostages out. The minute I'm elected, all those crazies will cave right in, just because they're scared shitless of me.

(Note to self: maybe we can sell them some arms to protect themselves from chaos in Iraq spilling over. That worked so well the last time.)

See, that's what America wants. They don't want a president they can have a beer with. They want a real man. Just like the kind I play in the movies.