Still the Picture of Health

I don't know how anyone could question my health or fitness for office. Just look at my latest video. Hell, just look at the first frame you see below. How could anyone be concerned about cancer when I look that good?

So Did I Dive or Belly-Flop?

Poor George Will. It's so hard for him, and all the folks like him who used to be the kids who got pantsed and short-sheeted by the cooler kids, who grew up to be folks like me.

So Will is pronouncing that my dive into the pool was just a belly-flop. But it turns out that I'm making a splash: decimating Giuliani's lead nationally, ranking at the top for the conservative base, and running #1 in some states.

Suck that, George Will. Even with cancer, I am the GOP stud.

Enough Already -- Odds Are I'll Survive to Reelection

Look, folks, I don't know why this whole "cancer" business keep cropping up in the news. Silence on this subject is golden.

Don't worry. Vote for me. The odds are good for that gamble: I have a better than even shot of still being alive after four years, and a decent shot at being alive throughout a second term.

Life's a crap shoot, folks. Anybody could drop dead any time for any reason. Just because you have a reason to believe I might drop dead from cancer in the next few years doesn't mean you have to count me out altogether from becoming your president.

Besides, don't you think it would be exciting to have a dying man in the White House? Every time you watch my State of the Union, the ending will be like a cliffhanger!

Ixnay on the Ancerkay

Memo to the press:

Please read this story for an example of how to best frame any story about me or my candidacy. Compare it with this story, which is exactly what I hope I'll never see again as the lead of any story about me. Never again.

Thank you.

I Will Survive

I think we're pretty much balancing the "rumors" of my poor health with the counter-story that I'm now an exercise fiend, but I don't know if we'll ever be able to kill the rumors entirely, what with my draculoid appearance.

Unless I do something about that. Thank god I still have my Hollywood contacts; we're going to have the best of the best make-up and F/X folks turn me into McStudly before too long.

Are You Ready for My Close-up?

We've had such success lately using the ET approach to media that we just had to keep it up -- and it works. People are foaming at the mouth about the leaked news of the TV ad time we bought during the New Hampshire GOP debate that we aren't attending. And that's just coverage of the leaked plan; we'll get tons more once it actually airs!

And the press continues to be seduced by Big Daddy's big big dick. Well, the American press -- the foreign press just keeps dredging up what may not be helpful about my Watergate experience. But that's fine... who the heck is going to go out of their way to read that major feature in a British newspaper?

Oh, and did you notice how we're addressing those "Fred Thompson looks so thin" jabs at my health? Exercise! We don't address the cancer rumors head-on -- instead, we counter-storied by creating more positive fluff about me as a virile, fit, energetic man getting himself in shape in order to take on the fights to come.

Et tu, FOX News?

I just don't know what to say. FOX News is supposed to be the friendliest platform for us, but they just handed me a nice little plate of shit for dessert:





Look, folks, having chemo treatments and trying to keep it a secret takes its toll on your concentration.

Nothing to Look at Here, Folks

We've got a crackerjack team of folks who specialize in monitoring what folks are saying about us on the Internets. And that means even silly blogs about footwear fashions: when this little gal wrote a comment raising potentially tricky questions about my health, our team flew into action and turned the tables on the whole thing.

Believe me, we're going to crowd out any talk like that so that it doesn't go viral. Last thing we need is for the real press to start asking touchy questions about Big Daddy's health.

And when it looks like we're getting close to a situation like that, we'll just make sure the Fred-Thompson-is-a-mack-daddy story gets revived.

I'm Old

It's my birthday. I'm 65.

I don't know if it's the real age of my bones or the secret chemo treatments talking, but I just have to say -- 65 is old.

This Elizabeth Edwards Gal Scares Me

I'm watching her on the CNN post-debate followup, and I'm a little afraid of her -- she's better at this stuff than her husband. Why isn't she the candidate? I personally think the cancer is a non-issue. It really should be a non-issue. It really, really should be a non-issue.

Our Plan Is Working Perfectly

I tell you, I have some excellent operatives who really know what they're doing. That story we planted about all my exes still loving me and stumping for me... that was pure gold.

First, it makes out to be this granddaddy of all studs. No one wants a pussy for president. So it's key that we sell me as someone who pounds the pussy.

Second, it makes everyone forget all about the cancer that's "in remission" if they're focused on this picture of me as a virile horndog who's so good the ladies keep slobbering after me long after we broke up.

Third, it's excellent free publicity. It's a quirky story that everyone wants to retell. And each time they do, it gets our message out there. (Message, image. Same thing.)