Now I Stand for Stuff

People sure are ready to pounce on just about anything I say as a sign of what I stand for. I guess it makes sense, what with federalism being the only principle I have on the principles section of my website right now.

So, folks are talking about my call for a constitutional amendment to keep the states from making gay marriage legal. I know, it doesn't necessarily make sense alongside my commitment to federalism, but "principles" have to take a back seat to something that can really galvanize the GOP base. And nothing is going to make the backwoods hicks get off the pews and get in the voting booth faster than the thought of two men kissing at the end of a wedding ceremony.

And I don't know why so many people are chattering about a comment I tossed off in the course of an interview, that public dissent mean "we're going to pay a heavy price for it in the future." Folks, I'm too lazy to suppress your civil liberties. I promise.

How to Get Away With Saying Nothing, Lesson #2

We spent some time trying to craft just the right way to take a pass on saying anything firm about what I would do as president. First, we tried to get away with just saying that we want to do "lots of things," but that only gets you so far, especially once they start asking pointed questions. We've been mastering lots of ways to speak out of both sides on my mouth on specific issues, like Iraq, but the problem remained that I needed a pat line to use whenever someone asks about a specific issue that I don't already have something prepared for.

So -- what we're saying now is, "It is presumptuous to say exactly what you would do when you’re not President and you don’t have access to all the information he has." Isn't that great? It works for every issue under the sun, and it gives me time to take a minute and think of more stuff to say to pad out the "answer."

Et tu, FOX News?

I just don't know what to say. FOX News is supposed to be the friendliest platform for us, but they just handed me a nice little plate of shit for dessert:





Look, folks, having chemo treatments and trying to keep it a secret takes its toll on your concentration.

Nothing to Look at Here, Folks

We've got a crackerjack team of folks who specialize in monitoring what folks are saying about us on the Internets. And that means even silly blogs about footwear fashions: when this little gal wrote a comment raising potentially tricky questions about my health, our team flew into action and turned the tables on the whole thing.

Believe me, we're going to crowd out any talk like that so that it doesn't go viral. Last thing we need is for the real press to start asking touchy questions about Big Daddy's health.

And when it looks like we're getting close to a situation like that, we'll just make sure the Fred-Thompson-is-a-mack-daddy story gets revived.

I Don't Work Hard, but I Do Work Smart

He he he. Check me out on video from the Iowa crapfest:



That golf cart sure was the smartest thing I've done in a long, long time. What a way to communicate to the people that I'm one of them -- I mean, I'm there, after all -- while also being above them. People want that combination in a leader.

Rolling Around With the Pigs

I've been doing the campaign blah blah blah thing in Iowa. Yeah, that's me, holding pigs, pretending to be amazed at their stupid cow carved out of butter, trying to say, "No, thank you so much," every time someone tries to foist their fried crap.

Iowa is a taste of hell. Why is this the first place to go in the race for the nomination? Couldn't it be somewhere more fun, like Hawaii?

And the press was all over my ass while I pretended to be one of the real people over there:

Unlike Democrat Barack Obama, who a day earlier sought out state fairgoers, fried food and rides, Thompson raced through the jam-packed fair, stopping only to shake hands and chat with people who approached him. . . .

"Fred Thompson! Fred Thompson!" yelled a group of middle-aged fairgoers.

The TV star kept walking, until Grassley gently steered Thompson toward the group.

"Somebody likes you that much, we better go talk to them," Grassley told Thompson.

Christ, it gets harder and harder to keep up that man of the people act when you have to actually go out there and meet the people for real. It's so much easier to act the part on the small screen.

Political Indicators: I Would Have to Work as President?

I have to bank on America's famously short memory, because right now a lot of signs are pointing to the next president really having to do lots of things. If it's not pressure to rebuild America's aging infrastructure, it's pressure to do something about product safety.

Good thing I haven't declared officially yet. I'm gonna have to think about this.

It's a Sneak Attack Plan -- Really, It Is

Folks, don't listen to the naysayers trying to shit all over the $3 million I raised for my soon-to-be campaign. I can ramp that number up any time I want. Thing is, I've been the front runner so long that I just need to make the other guys take me a little bit less seriously -- let their guard down, before I come in force and gobble up all the money.

Money or not, I'm still pretty much in the lead. Even in Iowa, where Miss Romney has been spending so much of her own money, I've been surging ahead of Limpiani and McNuts.

As soon as Jeri lets me, I'm going to own this race.

Lord I Hope No One Puts 2 and 2 Together

Some folks out there scoffed at my answer to the question why I want to be president. Some folks think that saying that I want to do "lots of things" isn't enough of an answer.

The secret is that I have seen the writing on the wall -- over the next few years, traffic in Washington is going to be as backed up as my colon after the cheese course. Dirty secret is I want a nice live-work situation and a police escort to make sure I always get where I want to go.

I've Got Enough Sand in My Ass Right Now, Dubya

Oh lord. Now, I'm doing the best I can not to say anything outright on Iraq, and I think I'm pretty well holding it all together, but the idea that this dumbass in the White House might drag us into Iran -- I just don't know if it would be worth it to become president if I'll have to clean up that pile of dog mess on top of the cow turds he's already dropped all over the Oval Office carpet.

I want to sail into the White House and, frankly, I don't really want to do lots of things once I'm there -- I'd like to do as little as possible, thank you very much. If they send this country into Iran before I get crowned, well that would be like leaving the john without flushing even though you know there's a line of people waiting to use it after you.

Dow, Blah Blah Blah Boring

What to make of the news that the Dow crept over 14,000? Publicly, if anyone asks, I'll say that it's great, it's evidence that we're moving ahead on the right track, that all the naysayers (and I would keep it general -- just say "naysayers," so you can take it to mean naysayers about the war in Iraq, the Bush tax cuts for me and my friends, whatever you want) are wrong, and so on and so forth.

Privately? Hell if I know what that means. I just make the money; I leave it to Jeri to put it in the bank (or stocks, or gold, or whatever the hell else she likes). And the little secret is that most presidents don't know jack about this stuff, either. We just have the brain-heads write us up some bullet points and tell us what to think.

Tonight Show Speculation

So someone out there said, "There is an air of anticipation that GOP presidential contender-in-waiting Fred Thompson will have something substantive to say tonight about his still-to-be-announced run for the White House when he appears on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno."

Now, I understand this was written on a website connected to NBC, which makes sense -- they want to promote their show. Otherwise, I don't know what gave them the idea I was planning on saying anything substantive at all.

I mean, I'm sure I'll have lots of things to say. I just don't like to say any substantive things unless I've rehearsed them twice and trust the director.

People Love Me for Me

This guy really gets me. I'm glad to see that someone out there realizes that I may be lazy, but that's a goddamn virtue.

Truth is, I'm not lazy by choice. I swing the big pipe, which is both a blessing and a blessing. And with all the blood flowing down there on a regular basis, I don't have a lot of resources left for being the Big Government Master Planner.