Self Destruction

No -- not my campaign. I know the political press is trying everything it can to squeeze the last bit of toothpaste from the roll on the story that we parted ways with someone on the campaign staff. Now, they should be telling that story as us clearing the way for a real campaign by taking out folks with no real campaign experience, but nooooooooooooooooooo -- they have to make it a Team-Fred-is-falling-apart tale.

Fuck that. No, I'm more interested in this self-destructive argument over in the Democrat Party over whether to take money from lobbyists. Ooh -- scary lobbyists.

Now, we're not going to go around saying this publicly and all, but Hillary's right: lobbyists are people, too. Hell, some of them are Democrats. Some of them are lobbyists for groups like NRDC and Sierra Club and Public Citizen, who love the kinds of things the Democrats want and hate the kinds of things we want. That money might have residue of marijuana on it, but it sure ain't dirty money.

Me -- I want money, the dirtier the better. There's nothing hotter than getting busy with your much younger wife on a bed littered with dirty money. The dirtier the money, the dirtier the sex. Rebel yell to that.

Indiana, Just Great

I'm in Indianapolis, the most boring place I've been since Iowa, to speak at -- what was it again? Midwest Leadership Conference. I can't say as I know of any real leadership going on in Indianapolis, but what the hell -- they've got money, I need money. So I'll do the keynote speech at their queer little conference and smile and slap them on the back and make them feel like real important parts of the process, and Jeri and I will have sex in a pile of checks they're going to write for me.

The only hard part is knowing that FOX "News" now has it out for me and is going to air video of any stumbles I make in my speech. Guess I'll actually have to read it before I get up on stage.

Call Me "Fresh Prince Fred"

I love fundraising in Bel-Air. It's like coming home, to be surrounded by so many of my people.

It's a Sneak Attack Plan -- Really, It Is

Folks, don't listen to the naysayers trying to shit all over the $3 million I raised for my soon-to-be campaign. I can ramp that number up any time I want. Thing is, I've been the front runner so long that I just need to make the other guys take me a little bit less seriously -- let their guard down, before I come in force and gobble up all the money.

Money or not, I'm still pretty much in the lead. Even in Iowa, where Miss Romney has been spending so much of her own money, I've been surging ahead of Limpiani and McNuts.

As soon as Jeri lets me, I'm going to own this race.

Money in MY Bank

Miss Romney's purse is open, and she's been reaching into it to fund her campaign. It has brought her to the top of the polls in Iowa and New Hampshire, but she can't keep that shit up as the race goes nationwide.

Speaking of, she and Limpiani are wasting a lot of their money on spending in Florida. Don't they realize I have those housebound walker users all sewn up? When they come back from a hard day of gambling for gift cards, what is the first thing they do? Turn on the TV. And who are they going to see? Big Daddy himself. Law & Order is on 24 hours a day, from A&E to USA and every channel in between. We own the cable industry.

Newsflash: I Was a Lobbyist

It's so silly, really. The opposition is out there trying to get a handle on all my old clients from my days as a lobbyist, hoping they can tar and feather me with something, and now a Nashville media outlet has posted lots of them online.

Don't know what they expect to get out of it. Most people aren't going to know or care about most of my clients, and I find it hard to believe anyone is going to hold me guilty of their crimes. But what they are ending up doing is promoting me to our friends in the corporate sector. That's right, big boys -- I used to whore myself on the Hill just for you. Now send some of that campaign cash my way so we can rekindle the magic once I'm in the White House.

We're Not Worried

Some folks out there in the nether regions of the Internet (note to self: put that in a speech; it sounds smart) are jumping up and down with glee, because they think Ron Paul is going to raise enough money to make himself a power player.

So he raised maybe $5 million. I shit $5 million in my morning dump. And the Paul folks are probably so disorganized they don't even know how much they have.

I'll leave it to Limpiani to keep duking it out with him. It lowers him to keep on and keep on with the attacks on the nutcase, and it makes the nutcase get enough attention that he takes money away from the other fringers, like Brokeback and Tancrappo.

As for me, I'm just going to keep gobbling up all the money that Miss Romney is going after. The rest of the crowd will self-destruct or naturally fall away once I swing my big pipe into the race.

And then Hillary's going to suck off a real man. You heard it here first, folks.