FOX News Makes Up for Insulting Me

Live blogging the debates:

Yeah, I'm watching the losers who can't catch up to me -- debating right now. Sure, FOX has just given the debaters a chance to crack jokes and insult me... but I'll be damned if they didn't make me the first question, and now they're all trying to knock me down. Like losers always try to knock down the winner.

And Miss Romney -- yeah, your joke has already been reported a million times; stop telling it. It gets less and less funny each time you tell it.

The ET Approach Works

The announcement that we will announce our announcement in a conference call with supporters... tee hee hee, it works. Already, they're breathlessly reporting this breaking news of the news that will break next week -- check out, so far, the LA Times and CBS News.

I suppose the other outlets are waiting to report on the conference call itself, in which I will announce that we will make the official announcement next week. They would rather report that, instead of the leaked announcement that we will use the call to announce the upcoming announcement. It's a matter of journalistic integrity or something.

Eat That, Pygmies

Word is coming out that the USA Today/Gallup nationwide is going to show Hellcat Clinton way out in the lead of her race, with a 22-point lead over Obama -- and that the GOP race has Limpnuts at 33%, Big Daddy himself at 21, McNuts at 16 (really? that much?), and Miss Romney at 8.

Either Miss Romney and McNuts are getting reported erroneously -- surely it's Miss Romney at 16 and McNuts at 8? -- or Miss Romney has been so busy buying herself front runner status in Iowa that she has been slipping and sliding nationwide.

Oh, That's Clever

Live blogging the Iowa debate:

This little talking point they share about having to establish the rule of law before you can establish democracy in the Middle East -- that's pretty smart. It's a good line to keep in your pocket to justify backing a dictator -- he's laying down the law, and you gotta have that before you insist on frilly privileges like votes.

(Note to self: that might come in handy also if we have to push forward with some scaling down of civil rights in the name of maintaining the rule of law in the aftermath of whatever's the next terror attack.)

Helpful hint to Miss Romney: MOST PEOPLE NEVER WENT TO COLLEGE. They have no fucking clue what you mean when you refer to "modernity."

He Did It Again

"Who can unify the country, so that we're not just talking about Democrats and Republicans but we're talking about Americans." Yes, yes -- I'm liking this Obama. I don't think he's that blue after all.

You Know, I'm Liking This Obama Fellow

I'm not going to lose, but if I did have to lose to a Pussycrat, I think I wouldn't mind losing to Obama. The more I listen to him in this live debate on CNN, the more I hear him hedging his language. You notice he doesn't go right for the classic Democrat answer to a question -- he kind of nods in the direction of the other candidates' answer and then he says things like "we need a lot of approaches."

And he just praised Reagan. Did you hear that?

I'm liking this guy. And his record has some nice Republican themes: voting for the anti-class action bill, and voting to kill an amendment to the bankruptcy bill that would have capped credit-card interest rates at 30 percent.

I think he's getting a pass from the left because he's a pretty face or something. I can't figure out otherwise why he gets painted as a liberal. That John Edwards -- now that's a progressive. I shudder to think about all the poor people getting my tax dollars for food stamps and healthcare and whatnot if there's a President Edwards.

Oh No He Di'n't

I'm watching the Pussycrat debate, and I immediately had to jot down my thoughts about something Richardson just said: that the Republican party should stop "suppressing" minority voter turnout.

I'm flabbergasted at what he just said. How could he say that about us? Suppressing minority voter turnout?

Hehehe -- sorry, I'm pretending to be outraged at the "allegation." Seriously, when minorities start voting for us, we'll stop blocking them from the polls.

Was There Ever Any Doubt?

Ah, yes... the Zogby poll shows me in the lead of a race I haven't formally entered yet. McNuts is already in the remainder bin, Miss Romney has taken his place in third, and the limp-dicked loudmouth New Yorker is behind me.

Really, it's already a fight between Hillary and me. And at that point, who cares what I stand for? Just crown me president already.

It's going to be a sweet, sweet eight years, folks.

The People Are Good to Me

Ah, yes. I am already in the lead.

The other guys can chatter all they want about me not being conservative enough. As if that matters. People want image, and that's what I'm ready to serve up.

Go GOP! Woo! Rebel yell!

Oh, for God's Sake

Jesus Fucking H. Christ. Someone on my staff came to tell me we had a false alarm: the $100 wager for proof that I ever got serious about anything in the Church of Christ was actually an online joke.

Christ almighty, a lot of us just fell right for it and took it seriously. Because god knows that's how them holy rollers can get some times. It was a joke just a little too close to reality.

And as all us candidates head out there to break bread with them and try to get them on our side, most of us sure are afraid a little bit inside that we'll end up with a situation like that on our hands.

Something Going Right

After the unfortunate news that we are losing our base to the Dems, it is reassuring to see a little good news: I'm catching up to the number 1 spot in the race for the nomination. Without having officially become a candidate still.

Michelle, Tamika and Tanya Wanna Ride This Train

Giddy-up! LA Times says I have already pulled way ahead -- not tied for number two, but the sole occupant of number two, with McNuts and Miss Romney duking it out for third.

Limpiani -- you're next.

Ron Paul is down there with Brokeback, Tancrappo. and Fuckabee trying to get a half a percent of the crumbs we leave them. The mighty, mighty netroots sure are looking pretty flaccid right about now. See? So much for these nontraditional, blogging and bullshit exercises. Just give the people want they want -- a superficial image of authority and all-around manliness. The rest will fall right into place.

I am going to make a great president.

Jeri, honey, I think it's a blue pill night!

What to Do Tonight?

Now that everything is in place to get my campaign into offical mode, I wonder what I'll do tonight. I could watch the other side eat its own in the debate tonight. But maybe I'll just pop a Cialis and screw my hot wife instead.

Just Kickin' Back

My address yesterday did exactly what I knew it would do: buzz, buzz, buzz. Big Daddy doesn't have to spend a dime to get his name out there -- they're all doing it for me.

I love politics.