Self Destruction

No -- not my campaign. I know the political press is trying everything it can to squeeze the last bit of toothpaste from the roll on the story that we parted ways with someone on the campaign staff. Now, they should be telling that story as us clearing the way for a real campaign by taking out folks with no real campaign experience, but nooooooooooooooooooo -- they have to make it a Team-Fred-is-falling-apart tale.

Fuck that. No, I'm more interested in this self-destructive argument over in the Democrat Party over whether to take money from lobbyists. Ooh -- scary lobbyists.

Now, we're not going to go around saying this publicly and all, but Hillary's right: lobbyists are people, too. Hell, some of them are Democrats. Some of them are lobbyists for groups like NRDC and Sierra Club and Public Citizen, who love the kinds of things the Democrats want and hate the kinds of things we want. That money might have residue of marijuana on it, but it sure ain't dirty money.

Me -- I want money, the dirtier the better. There's nothing hotter than getting busy with your much younger wife on a bed littered with dirty money. The dirtier the money, the dirtier the sex. Rebel yell to that.

Not Quite What I Expected

Hunh. So I'm doing better with men than I am with women. I guess it makes sense: I'm tall, my wife is a lot younger and one fine piece of tail, and I play tough leaders on TV and in the movies. We thought my appeal would be that women want me; turns out, it's that men want to be me.

Sure, I'll take that.

And maybe if we shift those Hillary-is-a-lezbo rumors into overdrive, we'll decimate her support among women. Someone call up Ann Coulter: she'll say anything if it gets her on TV.

Was There Ever Any Doubt?

Ah, yes... the Zogby poll shows me in the lead of a race I haven't formally entered yet. McNuts is already in the remainder bin, Miss Romney has taken his place in third, and the limp-dicked loudmouth New Yorker is behind me.

Really, it's already a fight between Hillary and me. And at that point, who cares what I stand for? Just crown me president already.

It's going to be a sweet, sweet eight years, folks.

Can You People Not Control the Press?

For Chrissakes, do I have to sit down and lecture you like a child being taken to the woodshed? If you can't control idiots like that gal who writes the stupid "Ron Paul eats hot dogs!" excuse for a political column in the Post, then you just don't belong on Team Thompson.

If we let stories like this get out about Jeri, the other side is going to make her the Republican Hillary. The only thing that's gotten in the way of that so far is that Jeri is smoking hot and so much younger than me. But some of that's going to go away now that she's getting more conservative with her look.

If you people can't keep dumbasses like that Post gal under control, you're definitely not going to be able to handle the real press. I hired you idiots so I wouldn't have to think of things like this. And you know what happens when I have to think!

Look, someone get Ann Coulter to say something insane so we can get the spotlight moved, OK? And pour me a whisky while you're at it.

So I Messed Up a Little

And I guess I gotta hand it to ol' Hillary -- when your opponent messes up, you rub his face in it like you would a dog who crapped inside the house.

Just let me set the record straight. When I referred to Cuba and said, "I don't imagine they're coming here to bring greetings from Castro. We're living in the era of the suitcase bomb," I was a little confused on my geography. I really meant to talk about Arabs and them people over there in the Middle East.

I picked the wrong swarthy colored people. OK, I messed it up. Let's move on, folks.

The Court Is Great, But...

...it really should hold back a bit during an election season. This Supreme Court decision on the use of race by school districts in deciding which kids get to go to which schools -- well, now, I don't pretend to understand it all, but I know there's lots of liberals up in arms about it, so it must be good. And before that, they got our religious folks all excited about the partial birth abortion ruling.

Sure, keep it up, Scalito. Good stuff. But let's not be rolling back on race stuff when we get the election season underway, OK? The last thing we need is for all these decisions to remind the lefties how much they have at stake in a president who gets to pick who's on the Supreme Court.

I don't want to wake up some day and find the blacks and the feministas got together and got out the vote for Hillabama.

Hillary? Really?

Honestly, I thought our folks had so successfully tarred and feathered Hillary Clinton for so long -- I mean, they started the very moment Bill first started campaigning for president -- that I just assumed there was no way she could ever stand a chance against me. Me.

But that's not what the latest poll shows.

I find that disturbing. I'm at a loss for words. (Note to self: get the smear group on Hillary stat!)

I Am Really Good at This

I just saw the video of my appearance on the Tonight Show, and I must say I was really effective:

Listen to that smooth delivery! I've said so many of those lines over and over and over again -- never craved, haven't been running since high school, not set out to be the president for its own sake but so that I can do the lots of things that only a president can do, blah bluh blah bluh blah. I just have a knack for making it sound like it's the first time I ever said it.

Did you catch my subtle dig at Hillary? Calling Kerry a flip-flopper was so successful for Dubya that we're testing the waters for ways of doing the same to her.

Cars? Guess We Gotta Get Something

So, as I was lying in bed letting the chemo do its thing, someone gave a news clipping saying my only real rival -- Hillary Clinton -- is up there in Detroit with a plan to boost fuel economy and help out the auto guys with health care costs.

Damn. She's got that whole health care angle. I should have someone figure out what I'm going to think about health care.

I don't think we need a position on fuel economy. I know it's hot for the young people, but I think Congress will take care of it before we have to think about it. Which is good, because the less I have to have a position on, the better.

Why I Will Win It All

So, get this: our TV news folks care more about Paris Hilton going to the slammer than they care about the new chairman of the Joint Chiefs.

I love it!

The 2008 elections won't be about records or wonky things. They're going to be about image. And when people start thinking about me vs. Hellcat Clinton... well, I think we all know who's going to come out on top.

We're Not Worried

Some folks out there in the nether regions of the Internet (note to self: put that in a speech; it sounds smart) are jumping up and down with glee, because they think Ron Paul is going to raise enough money to make himself a power player.

So he raised maybe $5 million. I shit $5 million in my morning dump. And the Paul folks are probably so disorganized they don't even know how much they have.

I'll leave it to Limpiani to keep duking it out with him. It lowers him to keep on and keep on with the attacks on the nutcase, and it makes the nutcase get enough attention that he takes money away from the other fringers, like Brokeback and Tancrappo.

As for me, I'm just going to keep gobbling up all the money that Miss Romney is going after. The rest of the crowd will self-destruct or naturally fall away once I swing my big pipe into the race.

And then Hillary's going to suck off a real man. You heard it here first, folks.