I'm So Good I Should Be on the Grand Ol' Opry

That's right -- I am good. Until I hear otherwise on FOX assfuckin' "News," I am going to call my Indiana address a success. And my local TV interview gave me yet another opportunity to display my mastery: I can take a canned talking point I've used a million times and make it sound like it's the first fucking time.

And I see the Democrats are continuing their campaign to lose the White House, this time by pissing off the gray panther state, Florida -- declaring they don't get delegates unless they reschedule their too-early primary. Big Daddy doesn't like having so many primaries so soon (it will mean working too hard in too many states in too little time), but even I wouldn't dream of pissing off the primary voters of Florida.

Unless the Democrats are banking on the old folks not remembering primary stuff come time for the real election.

Finally -- an Attack from the OTHER Side

Nice. The Democrat Party machine just spat out some more evidence that I'm still the one to beat. They put out a press release copying the observations that the FOX traitors made of my Iowa appearance and describing me as trying to jumpstart a campaign that's dying before it's even officially underway.

Thanks for that, Democrats! By attacking me, you're just propelling me to the top of the heap. It shows you're scared of little old me. My people are going to wave your little press release in front of every political reporter's face. You could have let FOX try to kill me with the conservative base, but once it's you folks taking aim -- well, that only helps me, dumbasses.

We Finally Have an Answer on Iraq

At long last, we have developed a strategy on Iraq: blame the Democrats.

Sure, we could blame the ineptitude of the Bush administration for failing to keep up with the Clinton administration's intense focus on anti-terrorism until 9/11 happened, or for falling down on the job on intelligence in the days before 9/11, or for using 9/11 as an excuse to go after Iraq even though we all knew it would be an impossible task to keep Iraq together after taking out Saddam, but we have found the way to shift the blame to the Democrats for the current problems. We just tried it out in our VFW speech:

Our country was not prepared for our current situation. We took a holiday from history in the 90’s. We cut our military, our procurement and our research and development. Now our military is stretched too thin. We are wearing out our equipment. Our intelligence capabilities are inadequate.

To reverse this situation we must reassess our national priorities and face the truth about what it will take to defend this country.

See? The problem isn't that we committed to a long-term military occupation that we failed to plan for. It's that Democrats cut our military. Genius!

Sure, Republicans were in charge of Congress that whole time, but I'm pretty sure the people will forget all about that and just blame Bill Clinton. And that will rub off on Hillary.

Not Worried About Congress

People ask me if I'm worried about the prospect of being a president with a Democrat Congress. I have one easy answer to that: nope.

Didn't you see how the Dems just pussed out and handed the White House power to spy on America? Now the administration is going all out and using spy satellites. Spy satellites!

With Democrats like these, who needs a Republican Congress?

Eat That, Pygmies

Word is coming out that the USA Today/Gallup nationwide is going to show Hellcat Clinton way out in the lead of her race, with a 22-point lead over Obama -- and that the GOP race has Limpnuts at 33%, Big Daddy himself at 21, McNuts at 16 (really? that much?), and Miss Romney at 8.

Either Miss Romney and McNuts are getting reported erroneously -- surely it's Miss Romney at 16 and McNuts at 8? -- or Miss Romney has been so busy buying herself front runner status in Iowa that she has been slipping and sliding nationwide.

Democrats Are Weak

I always feel really good inside when I see things like this: the Democrats just caving in to what the president wants, in this case the power to continue spying on the American people in the name of the war on terror. Sure, they go back and forth a while over it, but in the end they just give in. Never mind that the president's approval ratings are even lower than theirs.

When I see them flailing around and then lining up to suck Dubya's cock again and again, it makes me feel really good about our shot at beating them in 08.

My God, the Democrats Are Dumber than a Pile of Toe Nail Clippings

The Democrats sure are making it easy for me to take the White House. Just listen to what their Whip says: if General Petraeus issues a really positive report on Iraq, the Democrats will fall apart on the war.

Now isn't that just about the dumbest thing you've ever heard?

Of course Petraeus is going to put out a positive report. It's Bush's war... he has to put out a positive report.

And the aftermath means that Democrats are going to continue to be weak on the issue that gave them back control of the Congress.

Which means -- the public will continue to have low opinions of the Democrats in Congress. And that means that whichever one is the presidential nominee -- Hillary or Obama -- it doesn't matter, either way they're going to come into the race with that taint.

And Big Daddy is going to be the one person in the race who had nothing to do with that incompetent in the White House or the lame Congress that can't get its act together.

"A vote for me is a vote for change." Lord, I crack myself up. But that's the kind of bullshit that's going to be my ticket to the White House.

Well, This Isn't Good News

As the Pussycrats bask in the afterglow of their YouTube debate circle jerk, I just got handed some bad news from my staff: a Washington Post piece about a poll holding that "[m]ost Americans see President Bush as intransigent on Iraq and prefer that the Democratic-controlled Congress make decisions over a possible withdrawal of U.S. forces."

Now that's just not good news. We've been banking on the public's low approval ratings of the Democrat-controlled Congress as a sign that we still have a clear shot at the White House. But this makes me fear you've got a lot of folks out there with a clear preference of Democrats over Republicans when it comes to the war. I don't want to see a spillover effect of that on the presidential race.

This Elizabeth Edwards Gal Scares Me

I'm watching her on the CNN post-debate followup, and I'm a little afraid of her -- she's better at this stuff than her husband. Why isn't she the candidate? I personally think the cancer is a non-issue. It really should be a non-issue. It really, really should be a non-issue.

That Gay Marriage Question

These Pussycrats just aren't smart politicians. Now, if I had been given that YouTube question from the two lesbians, I would have said, "Only the hot chicks should be able to have a gay marriage. For anyone else, it's just sick."

Seriously. If Jeri wanted to leave me for Ann Coulter, I would say go right ahead, as long as I can watch.

He Did It Again

"Who can unify the country, so that we're not just talking about Democrats and Republicans but we're talking about Americans." Yes, yes -- I'm liking this Obama. I don't think he's that blue after all.

You Know, I'm Liking This Obama Fellow

I'm not going to lose, but if I did have to lose to a Pussycrat, I think I wouldn't mind losing to Obama. The more I listen to him in this live debate on CNN, the more I hear him hedging his language. You notice he doesn't go right for the classic Democrat answer to a question -- he kind of nods in the direction of the other candidates' answer and then he says things like "we need a lot of approaches."

And he just praised Reagan. Did you hear that?

I'm liking this guy. And his record has some nice Republican themes: voting for the anti-class action bill, and voting to kill an amendment to the bankruptcy bill that would have capped credit-card interest rates at 30 percent.

I think he's getting a pass from the left because he's a pretty face or something. I can't figure out otherwise why he gets painted as a liberal. That John Edwards -- now that's a progressive. I shudder to think about all the poor people getting my tax dollars for food stamps and healthcare and whatnot if there's a President Edwards.

Oh No He Di'n't

I'm watching the Pussycrat debate, and I immediately had to jot down my thoughts about something Richardson just said: that the Republican party should stop "suppressing" minority voter turnout.

I'm flabbergasted at what he just said. How could he say that about us? Suppressing minority voter turnout?

Hehehe -- sorry, I'm pretending to be outraged at the "allegation." Seriously, when minorities start voting for us, we'll stop blocking them from the polls.

I'm a Natural, an Economic Genius

Did y'all catch me on CNBC? This YouTube business sure is fun; I can come back and catch my clip every time I want.

The real genius of this bit is where I take on the Democrats' agenda for taxing the rich. It's just so wrong in so many ways for them to be trying to tax the rich that sometimes it can be difficult to tell the American people why they should care about the rich.

But I did it. The American people understand that there's something wrong with having 5% of Americans paying over half the income taxes of the country. So the Democrats are technically correct that there's something called income inequality with the top 5% owning so much of the pie, but if we keep at it they'll believe us on tax inequality -- and maybe they'll think it actually applies to them.

I really am good at this. Christ, I think I could sell a comb to a bald man.

Why I Have No Doubt I Will Be Your Next President

So, it's 1:30 in the AM, and I'm up because my dang sciatica is flaring up. Let me tell you, being 64 is no walk in the park, unless you're imagining a walk in the park on your knees. And being up, flipping through the channels and finding not even a Skinemax movie to enjoy, I was thinking about how I just know I will walk right into the Oval Office with barely a fight.

Because the Democrats will annihilate their chances at the office. Even their own have to admit it: the Democrats plain and simple have a culture problem. If crap like this is what they think of as culture, well they're just cruising for a bruising. Thank god that cultural politics is our expertise.

Something Going Right

After the unfortunate news that we are losing our base to the Dems, it is reassuring to see a little good news: I'm catching up to the number 1 spot in the race for the nomination. Without having officially become a candidate still.

Nuts. Something Is Broken.

Someone on my staff just handed me a Gallup poll about the very large numbers of people who do not believe in evolution. And even I can see something's broken here.

Not that so many people reject evolution: that kind of widespread stupidity has been part of our agenda for decades. As the Democrats got in with workers and got behind the environment, health and safety, children and families, and all that other stuff, we saw pretty clearly that we were going to have to invest in making sure as many people as possible were as dumb as possible in order to regain our foothold. The Republican Revolution in the 90s was our ultimate payoff.

But now it seems clear that the dumbest among us aren't exclusively lining up behind the Republican Party. There are large numbers of Democrats and Independents who also don't believe in evolution. Disturbingly large.

If we don't have a lock on the dumb, then I'm not sure any more what chance the Republican Party has of regaining the upper hand in American politics. Politics gets more difficult every single day.

What to Do Tonight?

Now that everything is in place to get my campaign into offical mode, I wonder what I'll do tonight. I could watch the other side eat its own in the debate tonight. But maybe I'll just pop a Cialis and screw my hot wife instead.