The Downside of Campaigning

The princesses carved out of butter are just symptoms of the deeper problem: America is a vast country with lots of lots of really boring places. And now I have to go to yet another one of them.

Campaigning Just Isn't Fun

One of my supporters put up a lovefest photo montage on YouTube of my boring-ass trip in boring-ass Montana. Or maybe it was Minnesota. Whatever -- who really knows the difference; they're both the middle of bumfuck.

I Think I Know How to Get Larry Craig Out of the News

If we leak some news about our upcoming campaign announcement -- well, it will continue our Entertainment Tonight approach to campaign media and it might get the public to stop thinking of bathroom sex when they hear the word "Republican."

Well, if I have to take one for the team, so be it. That's called leadership, folks.

Indiana, Just Great

I'm in Indianapolis, the most boring place I've been since Iowa, to speak at -- what was it again? Midwest Leadership Conference. I can't say as I know of any real leadership going on in Indianapolis, but what the hell -- they've got money, I need money. So I'll do the keynote speech at their queer little conference and smile and slap them on the back and make them feel like real important parts of the process, and Jeri and I will have sex in a pile of checks they're going to write for me.

The only hard part is knowing that FOX "News" now has it out for me and is going to air video of any stumbles I make in my speech. Guess I'll actually have to read it before I get up on stage.

It's a Sneak Attack Plan -- Really, It Is

Folks, don't listen to the naysayers trying to shit all over the $3 million I raised for my soon-to-be campaign. I can ramp that number up any time I want. Thing is, I've been the front runner so long that I just need to make the other guys take me a little bit less seriously -- let their guard down, before I come in force and gobble up all the money.

Money or not, I'm still pretty much in the lead. Even in Iowa, where Miss Romney has been spending so much of her own money, I've been surging ahead of Limpiani and McNuts.

As soon as Jeri lets me, I'm going to own this race.

They Love Me in Texas

I got them eating out of my hands in Texas. One of the papers nailed my strategy: "Thompson says little, but wows supporters." That's my whole pre-campaign in a nutshell -- it's almost scary to see it spelled out like that.

And, yes, so my campaign and a couple of folks parted ways, but it's not a "shake-up." That's the kind of thing that gets the political press in a tizzy, but the folks in Texas -- they don't care one bit. And when I told them it was just leadership in action, they swallowed it like a two dollar whore.