"Commonsense conservative." Expect to hear more of that from us. The name of the game is perception management, and we have poll-tested the phrase and found that it reinforces the public's image of Big Daddy as a folksy smalltown redblooded American man. (And makes them not think of me as a DC insider and well-heeled lobbyist-lawyer.)
Goddammit, when I said we needed some journalistic endorsements, I wasn't talking about Male Nurse Magazine. Are you people high? No, seriously, are you high? Because I'd swear you were a bunch of potsmoking Democrats if you think this is going to do the trick. My nutsack has more commonsense.
Now get out there and get me some real endorsements before I have to tell Jeri that it's time to fire some more campaign staff.
We're pretty excited about Jeri's upcoming debut in a California panel of the wives of the presidential candidates. We know she'll walk away with the prize for perkiest titties.
I'm just so proud of my hot wife that I can hardly stand it.
Once we finally have her front and center, America is going to fall in love with her. They haven't had a hot piece of tail in the East Wing since Jackie Kennedy.
Now this is campaign coverage. Expect to see us doing a lot more local news. I mean, this is just great. It's the perfect way to get your face on folks' TV screens and answer the right kind of questions to get the right kind of message out.
I don't know how anyone could question my health or fitness for office. Just look at my latest video. Hell, just look at the first frame you see below. How could anyone be concerned about cancer when I look that good?
You know, it's pretty simple -- we have to maintain our invasion of Iraq. We need an ongoing reason to fund our major corporate friends. We need the crucial location for our upcoming invasion of Iran. We have a lot of unfinished business there. And we have to periodically pick up some crappy little country and throw it against the wall just to show the world who's boss -- something we will fail at if we leave without having really proven that we are the world's boss.
Oh, and democracy and peace and stuff like that.
So, thank god the American people don't have the foggiest idea what's actually happening in Iraq. Like the real deal on our poster boy, Gen. Petraeus. Or the news that the alliance that leads what passes for a national legislature has just fallen apart -- oops.
The political press insists on forcing the facts to fit the story it wants to tell -- and if they don't like the facts, they'll just toss them aside.
Nobody knows this better than Big Daddy. Newsweek is going on and on about my "slow start," and George Will and Robert Novak both are telling everyone I've already crashed and burned.
Meanwhile, I had surged into number one according to the Rasmussen poll of likely GOP primary voters, who also rate me most conservative.
I honestly don't know why anyone pays any attention to those numb nuts in the political press. What's really going on here? They have complete contempt for what the people are really thinking, and they're too lazy to find out anything other than the conventional wisdom they share in all the insider cocktail parties.
(And I know all about what goes on in those insider cocktail parties first hand.)
The NY Times is right: I do take risks with the stands I take on the issues. Check it out: defending the right to bear arms. Supporting the idea of drilling in the Gulf. Not taking a stand on the Terri Schiavo case two years after it happened. I'm the maverick, the risk-taker of the Republican field. And telling the GOP base that I'm for reform of the entitlements -- well, that's the very definition of ballsy.
So, watch this from Fucker Carlson's show. That little punk and his dumbass guest are debating how my super-successful campaign is somehow a failure.
And Carlson actually thinks the best campaigns are animated by a central idea. As if. John Edwards has an idea and he can't break out of the number three slot. Truth is, the American people don't care about ideas; they want image.
And that's Big Daddy's specialty.
Poor George Will. It's so hard for him, and all the folks like him who used to be the kids who got pantsed and short-sheeted by the cooler kids, who grew up to be folks like me.
So Will is pronouncing that my dive into the pool was just a belly-flop. But it turns out that I'm making a splash: decimating Giuliani's lead nationally, ranking at the top for the conservative base, and running #1 in some states.
Suck that, George Will. Even with cancer, I am the GOP stud.
